SquareParents.com - Cool Stuff For Cool Parents

Giant Steps

Written by The Square Parent Tuesday, 07 April 2009 00:00

Child development is often an uneven process, and happens in fits and spurts.  Interestingly, it's been argued, notably by Dr. Harvey Karp, and probably others, that children from birth to about 5 years of age are essentially replicating the evolutionary process, and moving right along at about 4,000 years per hour, give or take a thousand or few years.

Good Cop Bad Cop

Written by The Square Parent Thursday, 19 March 2009 00:00

The Good Cop/Bad Cop routine is the oldest one in the book, and one of the most effective.  It also requires a high degree of collusion between the parents.  Collusion is secret agreement, often for neafrious or illegal activity.  Think of it as the parents being insider traders, with the kid in the role of the SEC. 

Great Expectations

Written by The Square Parent Tuesday, 24 February 2009 00:00

Everyone likes the good kinds of surprises, such as a present or an unexpected visit from a welcome guest.. 

But then, there are the other kinds of surprises, which are by far the most common, and leave much to be desired.  A surprise is an event without warning, one could even say a change in the current condition or routine.  But just like the loaded word change, a surprise is usually hoped to mean something positive.  In the best case scenario, change is the state of things as they are right now, only with all of the bad stuff removed.

Sometimes, even when the surprise is good, it isn't, especially if it has to do with a disruption of the status quo's current comforts.  The kids are no different from the parents, they're not too big on having too much disrupted, even if it may be something good or positive later on. 

An example of a surprise might be being rousted from bed at 5 am, thrown into the car, and then driving for the next three hours to get to the shore of some large body of water.  Oh, there'll be many great things there allright, plenty of kids to play with and an abundance of all of the favorite foods. But the initial shock of the being yanked from bed at 5 am leaves something to be desired. 

It's all about the unexpected and the unknown, which is why when any big trip is coming up, it's always good to brief the kid at least a week or two in advance, and then continue to remind him or her that the big day is coming.  The sudden surprise of an unexpected event does take some time to recover from. 

Poor kid:  yanked out of bed early in the morning, or for the all-night car ride that avoids the traffic.  Who wouldn't be cranky if they had absolutely no clue that any of this was coming?  From a nice comfy bed to being jostled about prior to the toss into the car seat, from quiet to commotion, from golden prone slumber to awake and upright, none of these are particularly pleasant transitions.

Adding insult to injury are Mommy and Daddy offering gentle words of excitement, explaining on the spot the underlying reason of the hassle, and how it's supposed to be something good, something fun, and of course, which will provide memories that last forever. 

Bah.

When the kid's going away for a few days or a few weeks, or otherwise doing something out of the ordinary, the Seven Ps are usually a mantra to live by: Proper Prior Preparation Prevents Piss Poor Performance. 

The job of the parents is making sure the kid generally knows what's going to happen, wiith as many details (nonfiction or otherwise) thrown in for good measure, that is, prior proper preparation.  The piss poor performace part comes when the kid won't stop screaming, or only does so after an inordinate amount of time and apparent trauma.  Yes, that's on the parents, not the kid being bad or unruly.

So, brief them.  Actually, the more information, the better.  If it's off to Grandma's house for the weekend, mention it all week, along with all of the fun things that will happen.  Of course, if Grandma's idea of a good time is getting loaded on Wild Turkey while sitting around the kitchen table eating packages of Bob Evans mashed potatoes topped with All-Bran, watching The Lehrer News Hour while complaining bitterly about the behavior of children, perhaps there are some other issues that need to be dealt with.

But if, on the other hand, a trip to Grandma's house means something akin to a trip to Willy Wonka's chocolate factory, the parent has it made in the shade like disco lemonade. This is the fun part, where the expections are built and raised, and the parents can recognize the kind of excitement that has long since disappeared from their own lives, or at least takes a different form.  If done properly, and the experience is one that the kid loves, it's just like little sparks of Christmas morning.

This also works for the doctor, dentist, or anything else outside the normal routine.  Kids have a set routine that they're perfectly able to deviate from, but it does help if they have a heads-up.  This isn't so different from adults, actually; the same thought processes are involved. 

After all, everyone likes the good kinds of surprises.

Earn It

Written by The Square Parent Thursday, 12 February 2009 00:00

One general imperative of guiding a child toward good behavior is establishing the idea of responsibility at an early age, however rudimentary, even when it may be a little too early for them to understand.  Add incentives.  Make him or her earn that special something that they want, something that they value.  Giving them everything they want accomplishes nothing, or nothing positive anyway.

It could be a favorite snack, going to a preferred destination (not, say, Disney World) or activity, or a seldom seen movie.  For example, the little one may have some favorite treat that he or she receives once in awhile for being good.  If the kids wants that special something, they're going to need to earn it by doing something for it.

Earn it.  No credit schemes, no futures market, no residual commissions for being good last Tuesday.  Earn it.

One of the best ways to do this is by assigning specific tasks or chores, however small and whatever they may be, and then keeping track of them, and whether they've been completed or not.  The important points are that the tasks or chores require direct action, be cumulative, and that the reward system be clear and consistent.

This is also a great segue to the earliest teachings of work and reward.  But it must be applied and kept consistently.  This also helps keep the kid in line by offering a great example of cause and effect, but with some positive reinforcement.  Discipline does not necessarily come with a series of disincentives; it can also be created with incentives.

It's interesting to note the leverage that parents have using treats as positive incentives. Treats as disincentives don't work nearly as well.

If there's a system of credible rewards, and the kid works for and earns those rewards, there's a good foundation for future guidance and good behavior.   

Giving them everything they want accomplishes nothing, or nothing positive anyway.

The Coin of The Realm

Written by The Square Parent Friday, 06 February 2009 00:00

Credibility is the coin of the realm. 

Credibility is the quality or power of inspiring belief.   In the context of young children, this means that the kid believes you when you say something.  Total credibility is unrealistic due to the workings of their little brains, but more credibility is obviously better than less.

Credibility doesn't just apply to threats of punishment, but rather applies to overall kid management. 

If what you say has no credibility, don't sit around wondering in anguish why your toddler is so unruly and won't do what you ask no matter what bribes are proffered, and at the worst times. 

If what you say has no credibility, knock it off with the forlorn lament that there's constantly crap strewn everywhere around your house that never seems to ever be picked up or put away, no matter how many different home organizing "solutions" you try.   

If what you say has no credibility, you have a problem.  

Think.  Trying to get a toddler to doing what you want him or her to do is like herding cats, and by design.  They're curious, playful, and constantly creating new neural pathways that need to be used.  Do not underestimate the sheer volume of information that a young child needs to process, and the mind-boggling number of tangents that thoughts will take when even rudimentary reasoning takes root.  

But never, ever make a threat or promise that you are not fully prepared to honor.  It would be better not to make the threat in the first place.  Every single time that a parent says "If you do that one more time [insert consequence here]" and then doesn't follow through with the consequence is to keep repeating "If you do that one more time..." to the point where the phrase, and indeed credibility is rendered meaningless.   

No matter how much the kid screams for a popsicle, if whatever conditions have not been met, no popsicle.  Period.  But the kid's still screaming?  If you give in this one time, he or she will simply scream more loudly the next.  And if you're doing this in response to something as simple as a popsicle, chances are you have much bigger problems than a colorful mass of frozen high fructose corn syrup.

It's also important for the parent to use some judgment, and have some flexibility.  Flexibility doesn't mean a suspension of the rules, and the kid gets to do whatever regardless of what anyone says.  Toddler won't understand the concept of a temporary suspension.  It doesn't mean making a threat and then not following through just this one time, but rather not making the threat in the first place.   

If the credibility of the parent is undermined, restoring it will be just that much more difficult (depending on the state of disrepair), and take that much more work.  You should have kept up with this earlier.  If you're in a hole, stop digging already.  The result will be an inordinate amount of time and energy spent trying to bend the will of a toddler, which actually cannot be bent, only guided.  This makes life especially unpleasant for everyone, and the worst part is that it's avoidable.

Credibility is the coin of the realm.