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Barbarians At The Gate

Written by The Square Parent Monday, 12 January 2009 00:00

Each generation is overrun by hordes of little barbarians who must be defeated, that is to say, civilized and socialized.  The barbarians, of course, are children, each and every one of them.  Civilization does not just happen or randomly occur, but must be taught by the parents (or guardian[s] as the case may be).  This is an explicit adult responsibility.

Barbarian is exactly what they are, too, there's no other way to describe them, really.  Simple manners such as saying please and thank you do not occur naturally, magically springing forth in a spontaneous gush of young civility.  Manners and civility were not created by any theory, and cannot be instituted by any theory, either; playing well with others and sharing is not natural.  Natural, in this case, is highly undesirable as taken to it's logical conclusion, it would essentially play out in a Lord Of The Flies type situation.

We all know the symptoms, because it's so evident in many adults, even oneself:  selfishness, lying, resentment, cruelty, extreme impatience, lack of anything remotely resembling empathy, mini-Napoleon complexes, manipulation (and this one starts real early), and constantly making excuses, among others.

Then there's the manifestation of all of some or all of the above: the tantrums, the wantsies, the chaos of no structure, the desire for cheese puffs for breakfast, changing perfectly good song lyrics to what suits them.  Easily swayed by superstition, not quite understanding incentive or disincentive, and the nightmare of dealing when they must make a choice, and then change their mind, these all seem to be characteristics of our more uncivilized, archaic selves.  So it is with barbarians at the gate; the barbarian nature, which the factory pre-set, must be vanquished.

Toddlers, especially, must be guided through toddlerhood, with continual and repetitive reinforcement.  There's no easy way to do this, either.   

So it is with manners, civility, and many aspects of what would broadly be considered good behavior.  This is often evident and most obvious in what are often termed career criminals, or perpetrators of homicide at an early age, the seriously anti-social types.  Conditions had not been created by the parent or parents who had not passed along even the basics. 

Left unchecked, the barbarians have the run of the place.  And although this is bad for everyone eventually in the abstract, left unchecked in real life, your day-to-day life will be a big pain in the ass, and expenditures of ani-wrinkle cream will go through the roof.

Steely Resolve

Written by The Square Parent Tuesday, 06 January 2009 00:00

With the new year usually come resolutions; we're going to do this or that, modify this or that sort of behavior, alter these patterns, get in shape, lose weight, and all the rest.  Rarely are these followed.  Why wait for the new year to do this stuff in the first place?    How about making a resolution retroactive to last August?  It's as if since something is a new year's resolution, there's automatically a carte blanche for forgetting about it or breaking it.  If this goes under the heading of "it's the thought that counts," then the resolution, in reality, really doesn't do very much.  

Let's face it, who actually Intends to keep new year's resolutions beyond January 15?  By the following December, so much for the diet, staying in shape, being more patient with the kids, and all the rest. 

The problem, it seems, is that most resolutions are too ambitious, not thought about vis a vis the details of day-to-day life, or imagined as grand, sweeping transformative changes.  So instead of making and trying to keep resolutions that you had no realistic intention of keeping (but rather did with the intention of being well-intentioned), try making simple modifications instead.  These need not be anything earth-shattering or radical, or even fundamental.  But there are some little things that can be done that will yield benefits, and which can be worked into one's life. 

Most of all, start small with the seemingly insignificant pet peeves or minor annoyances.  If you habitually can't find your keys, put them in a place where you know they'll always be, and then make a habit of putting them in that place every time.  Try to have one less TV dinner or dinner out each week, resolving to make something at home from scratch at least once or twice a week.  Give the kids chores, even at an early age.  Go to bed earlier.

Perhaps it's all in how things are thought of.  Instead of an outright "fix" of some behavior, try some modification, small things a little at a time.   

• More books, less TV
• Less beer, more wine
• More big picture, less small detail
• Less Yes, more No
• More sleep, less staying up unnecessarily
• Less schedule, more consistency
• More free, less paid
• Less instruction, more figuring it out
• More Johnny Cash, less Celine Dion

...and above all, perspective. 

It's surprising how minor alterations can have big effects.  If anything, even keeping up with something minor can give you a sense of accomplishment, however minor.  If the kids are involved, it'll rub off on them, too.

How To Win a Gift Duel

Written by The Square Parent Friday, 19 December 2008 00:00

Inevitably, it happens that your friends or relatives will also have kids, and during the Holiday Season, you'd like nothing more than to give gifts to them.  But what to give?  Sometimes, this is an easy decision to make, and sometimes it's more difficult.  There are many factors to keep in mind, including the kid's disposition, what the parents approve or disapprove of, what the kid wants, what the parents say the kid needs, and on and on.  The easiest and most common things are clothes, books, and toys. 

But the absolute most important factor to gifting a kid, whether bebe or toddler, is how to find that special gift which will make the most unbearably annoying sounds sure to drive even the most stoic of parents to the point of insanity, tears, and drug abuse.  Gifts like this just keep on giving throughout the year (or until the parents have had enough and throw the damn thing away already), and make sure that you will be remembered for your gift-giving acumen for years to come.

It is no simple matter to find the most annoying, noisy, obnoxious gift that will cause the parents to eventually have a stroke.  This takes special talent that fortunately can be learned and developed.  And there is absolutely no shortage of items that will fit the bill nicely: the Tickle Me Elmo, the Furbie, the V-Tech ball, pianos, microphones, and electronic drums, just to name a few.  Just spend some time in a toy store, give everything a whirl, and you're likely to find some real winners. 

But perhaps the most crucial stage of the development of this unique giving talent is to learn how to avoid retaliation on part of the giftee's parents.  Be certain that following the singing duck or chanting largemouth bass that you so thoughtfully gave for Christmas, during the coming year your kid can expect to receive a singing Easter bunny with the off switch conveniently broken, a special birthday drum kit, or the all-purpose 4th of July celebratory noisemaker.  Even worse, at a birthday party at the lair of a certain giant rat, someone may slip the rat 20 bucks with instructions to make you the center of attention and not to leave you alone.

So how to get away with such scurrilous gift-giving behavior, have the first and last laugh, and yet remain unscathed? 

The most important thing is to have foresight and anticipate the attempted retribution that is surely coming.  At this point, it will be necessary to gain a new sense of moral indignation while simultaneously discarding any scruples that you may have once had.  Is it worth it?  Absolutely.  And you'll see just how absolutely it is worth it when you witness the attempts at payback.  Talk about a gift that keeps giving!

The first step is to automatically assume that any gifts from the wronged party will be payback.  As such, when the gift is proffered, have a sit-down with your kid and explain that so-and-so's gift isn't appropriate, and that not only would it be better if you gave it away to some more unfortunate child, but that you'll replace the offending gift with something they've had their eye on.  As is fair, follow through and compensate your kid for the loss of this gift with something else much better.  This step is of paramount importance because it gives you much-needed credibility, and gets your kid on your side, even after having taken a gift away.  Diabolical.   Oh, and surreptitiously hide the offending gift in a very safe place.

As is human nature, it's often not enough merely defeat an adversary, but to add a little something extra.  The best way to do this is, after following the above basic method, re-gift the offending gift back to the giver's kid next Christmas.  An alternative to this, if the re-gifting situation would be in poor taste, would be to give something similar, and try to outdo yourself.  Certainly outdo the gifting parent.

Sensory Overload

Written by The Square Parent Monday, 15 December 2008 00:00

Remember when you were a kid, and getting the stuff that you wanted, from the Lite Brite, Easy Bake Oven, Cabbage Patch Kid, Star Wars paraphernalia, Etch-A-Sketch, and so forth?  Christmas morning was really something, the biggest of the big deal, memories of relatives, and parents at a much younger age.  That was real magic.  And it's still very much there for everyone, although the adults are well-experienced in this sort of thing, so it's perhaps not quite as intense (for most of us, anyway).

Such is the nature of The Holidays.  Most important is the kid's reaction to all of this, and the time they're having in the larger context of the time that everyone's having.  Fortunately, most holidays are kid-proof.  It really doesn't take a lot to please children during the holidays, but there are some things to watch out for.

One big pitfall is sensory overload.  There are normally plenty of baubles and tchotchkes, a clearly defined soundtrack, and enough little diversions, many of it new, for the kids to amuse themselves with.  A danger is that there's too much, so that the stuff that would normally be wonderful and novel is lost in the shuffle.  Better a few things to concentrate on and re-visit than continually moving from thing to thing.  If you consider an average Christmas tree, the tree in the house in and of itself is something to behold; add 50 ornaments, lights, and a star on top, and that's quite enough to take in, offering plenty of very effective visual background noise.  In other words, it's really not necessary to go too nuts with the decor - why have more stuff compete with the tree?

Related to the sensory overload is the notion of the kid getting so much stuff on command that nothing is special.  And aren't the holidays about having a special time, having things that are truly precious, and being able to give of oneself?  This is a nice-sounding proposition that doesn't need to be consciously righteous, or involve making the world the better place (that it would obviously be, according to some) through the active anti-pursuit of stuff.  It's about giving less stuff in order to assign greater value to other stuff. 

Zero in on what they really like or have been asking for, or lo and behold, use a little thought to surprise them with something.  For example, if they want Items A, B, C, D, E, and F, rather than buying all of this, get items A, B, and C, and then a few small additional accessories for these items, as nearly everything these days has accessories.  That way, the main gift remains the focus, and gets more mileage.

If anyone could get everything they wanted, they'd want... even more.  Which could be very problematic in future years.

Scrooge Is No Fun

Written by The Square Parent Tuesday, 09 December 2008 00:00

The holidays are a time for oneness with the fam, and festive good times.  Christmas is a great idea (which is why it's been around for so long in one form or another), a party at the height of the cold and dark season, featuring cheer, catchy tunes, an extensive variety of food, and presents.  Merriment and goodwill abound.  It's also kind of nuts, where an inordinate amount of energy goes into the planning and management of the holidays, and then even more into the clean-up, damage control, and massaging of sore feelings and bruised egos, or in appropriate cases, twisting knives and rubbing salt into wounds.

And the background to all of this is the stuff: stuff and more stuff; decorations; presents; more decorations; more presents; food, Christmas jewelry, glassware, candles, plates, wreathes, bottles of this and that, silverware, and Santa hats.  Remember when all of the stuff that the Whos in Whoville had seemed like a lot?  No longer.   

This is not to decry the commercialization of Christmas.  Au contraire.  Year after year, we all hear too much of the evils of crass materialism in exactly the same language and with the same schoolmarmish tone.  What a drag.  Whatever.  Let's face it; if all the kid got for Christmas was an orange, a la the Great Depression, he or she would be pretty bummed, unless that's what all the other kids got.  Presents are, after all, fun.  Christmas trees are awesome, the food is always pretty good, the music is unmistakable, and Christmas just wouldn't be what it is without many of the trappings.  Who wants to hear a bunch of moralistic bullshit about the good time you're having?  The stuff is, after all, fun.

That said, it's possible with some judicious editing to make it easier, and therefore more enjoyable.  This may seem an arbitrary judgment, but think in terms of having a better time as opposed to a bigger to-do.   Don't worry about not having this thing or that thing; will Christmas be ruined but for the handmade nativity scene from some third world country?  Who's going to remember these details, or especially details of omission?  Instead of the Korbel, get some spumante or cava; rather than hand-made artisanal candles, go for perfectly nice regular ones; rather than the Jacques Torres chocolates, go for some of the other widely available boutique types that cost less; who's really going to notice the designer wrapping paper that will end up in a trash bag in 10 minutes (!?); and so forth and so on.  Additionally, the sheer quantities of stuff in which most people buy practically ensures that quite a lot goes to waste.  

Less can be more.  Unless more is more.  Either way, however, nothing comes without costs.  Think through the costs a little, in terms of effort, time, aggravation, and impact before committing to anything too extravagant.  Think of much of this as you would packing for a long-ish trip: pack, then go back and purge half of what you've packed.  You'll be happy to know that what you have will fill more than enough space.  

The better, lesser stressed, fun time that you have not worrying about every little detail of a thousand things, the better time the kid(s) will have. 

Make sure the stale odor of adult anxieties, especially over relatively petty things, doesn't interfere with the awesome smell of the Christmas tree.