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Exit Stage Left

Written by The Square Parent Monday, 27 October 2008 00:00

Beware the children's birthday party, and arrive armed with a clear exit strategy.  Few things can be as agonizing as a kid's birthday party gone wrong, but even when it goes right, it can be painful if held in the wrong venue, or if it goes on for too long, even in a  place with a lot of stuff to do. 

It's potentially especially bad for the adults.  There's not much more tedious than being stuck with a bunch of kids and other parents for several hours at a birthday party with a lot of stuff going on, very little of which is of actual interest to the adults.  The length of time seems to be a big issue.  So does the food.  Bad pizza is bad pizza no matter how it's sliced, and to be stuck eating chicken nuggets and MSG-laden frozen fries only adds to the sense of coma, tedium, and wishing you were on your way out.

The best parties are the shortest, and it's not a good idea to open presents in front of everyone there - it drags out the time and makes the other kids want to play with the presents, or have presents of their own.  Short and sweet, with ice cream and some cake, present the presents, sing happy birthday, blow out the candles, and be done with it.  There are plenty of good ways to celebrate a birthday, and none really requires a lot of other kids and parents to be present for several hours on end.

Understandably, parents want the birthday party to be... a party, something that the kid will remember and have a good time with, and feel that they have lots of friends.  Perhaps it's that the parent wants to feel that their kid has lots of friends, is very popular, and always will be; of course.  But once again, this seems to go under the heading of Parental Projection, particularly with the lengths that some parents go to.  

Most of the time, the kid won't remember the actual party, and in any case, the festivities are decidedly secondary to the loot received.  That's just how it goes: birthday = loot, not necessarily a party.

But some of the least desirable duties for a parent is not only to have to stay at one of these parties, but to leave gracefully.  Even worse than the clear view of the quickly-approaching wave of tedium is the floating in the wake of the tedium, drawn out to the point where you're desperately searching for a life preserver or piece of driftwood. 

So how to extract yourself from this predicament?  How to beat a hasty retreat without offending the parents?  Use your parental wiles.  Make something up.  The point is not to feel guilty about leaving or wanting to leave.  It's probably naptime, anyway. 

Parents and Drugs

Written by The Square Parent Monday, 27 October 2008 00:00

OK, so the parents are into Vicodan, Xanax, or on occassion, Quaaludes.  But the impulse is the same.  So, what do the kids take?  C'mon, they have to take something.  Baby Benadryl is useful for travel, and practical when there's a temporary condition where the kid cannot get to sleep.  But what do they, y'know, take, man? 

Never fear!  Obecalp to the rescue! 

Obecalp is a placebo made of sugar that's available in the supermarket and is intended as a placebo to give to the kid when something isn't going their way, or there's the instance of some other affliction that isn't an actual physical sickness.  Got a problem? Just have one of these pills, they'll make you feel better, so says the parent while doling out a placebo.

The real issue is with the parent's desire to shield the kid from pain to such a degree that it leads them to abuse placebos.  This is some pretty contemporary stuff: little placebo junkies.  Great.  Now instead of teaching that whatever bump or slight or mildly unpleasant thing is just the way it is, and being done with it, there has to be a pill for it, even one that does nothing but teach that there's a pill for everything.

Once again, this is a Case of the Projecting Parent.  Now there's a pill for the little disappointments, like it being bed time, or a bumped head, or kid not getting what kid wants?  Instead, why not get them used to the idea that they can't always have what they want, and that the little bumps and bruises will always happen, usually aren't serious, will get better on their own, and really aren't a big deal. 

If a small bump or bruise is a big deal, if not getting what the kid wants is any kind of a deal, if any of life's other little consternations need treatment with a placebo, then telling the kid that taking this pill will make everything OK says quite a lot about the parents.  And the parents really aren't doing a good job at all because they're evading the responsibility of teaching some of life's most basic lessons.

You can't always get what you want.

English in Plain English

Written by The Square Parent Friday, 24 October 2008 00:00

They learn their language, in this case English, from their parents. And there's quite a lot to English to learn. English is a very difficult language to properly learn, speak, and write (case in point). There are also endless colloquialisms, figures of speech, regional terms and accents, inconsistent uses of grammar, and the world's largest vocabulary. 

Language can be really fun, especially hearing it be formed and learned from the young ones. 

Parents should speak normally to the kids, even from an early age. They'll get it more quickly, and they won't feel talked down to - there are plenty of other opportunities and contexts for that. Use slang. Use figures of speech. Use the vast range of the English vocabulary. 

For example:

• That's one hep cat.
• Can you dig it?
• That's the cat's pajamas.
• 23 skidoo.
• Far out!
• May the Force be with you.
• Horsefeathers.
• Right on!
• Dy-no-mite!
• Baloney.
• I pity the fool!
• Hotsy-totsy.
• Swell!
• Hubba hubba!

Et al. 

These phrases didn't come from nowhere, they came from people who were once kids; likewise, today's kids will be creating and using the phrases that will sound quaint in the future. 

As such, it's best to root them in some of the more classic (American) ones.  Besides, some of these sound great coming out of  kid's mouth.

Our Old Friend

Written by The Square Parent Monday, 20 October 2008 00:00

Old old friend is, of course, television.  It can be a great diversion in a pinch when you're having one of those Calgon-Take-Me-Away moments. Even the preceding phrase is a result of TV. Television, on its own, is not necessarily bad, but depends upon what's being watched; there is a qualifiedly difference in programming.

Overall, TV is important. It helps with the socialization process, and helps the kid learn the lingua franca of American life and culture. The kid's going to have to learn about the Budweiser Clydesdales somewhere. And wouldn't it be better to have the little one grow up more, rather than less, marketing-savvy?  Several generations of Western people have grown up with TV. Many have probably watched too much of it, if there is a way to specifically define this. And people like it for plenty of good reasons. 

Additionally, a television set can also be used to show DVDs, which come in handy during those in-between times when you may be occupied with something or something else, or it may simply be the best way to get the kid to stop screaming.  Use the DVDs to stop the screaming sparingly, however, as the effect will wear off if you go to the till once too often.  Instead, use them constructively.

And then there's TV programming for kids, and lots of it.  Much of this is a far cry from the Saturday morning cartoons of the 70s and 80s, and even Sesame Street has changed, and not necessarily for the better.

For good or for bad, however, TV has gained something of a bad reputation, with the American Academy of Pediatrics recommending no TV until after the age of 2 and even then sparingly. This is not to mention the endless diatribes over the years from wanna-be intellectuals about how stupid TV is, the Kill Your Television bumper stickers, and wordy manifestos from academic media types.  They're probably right in theory, but then anyone can be right in theory. 

It is interesting to see what happens when TV is taken away for a couple of weeks - the kid may miss it at first, but then other entertainment will be found easily enough, including, shockingly enough, the desire to play outside. When TV is most useful is for those irregular diversions, and then only when necessary.  If it isn't a regular part of the day, it's then easier to take it away as a bribe, or just to do something nice as a treat.  You can easily double your mileage with the TV that they do watch, and especially during those times when you absolutely need some clutch distraction.  

Bebe's First Library

Written by The Square Parent Wednesday, 15 October 2008 00:00

There's a huge market out there for books for bebe, and if you walk into any bookstore, you'll easily find the Children's Book Section. You can't miss it.  Books are especially important for bebe, when being read to becomes imprinted on pre-memory and books become ordinary, familiar, and necessary objects, like diapers, lights, strollers, or butt paste.

As with any class of product, there're usually the same questions: which ones do not suck and which ones do suck? There's no shortage of suckey children's books out there, but there are plenty of good ones, too. 

Use your design sense. If something is attractive and eye-catching and well-designed to you, you'll enjoy yourself while reading it, and take much more of an interest in it than if you're sitting there thinking "this is really really stupid and these illustrations suck." Bebe will certainly pick up on your enthusiasm.

As a rule, it's good to side with the well-illustrated books. "Good illustration" should not be confused with "much illustration," and there is a difference. Good illustration does not need to be complicated, in fact, the opposite of complicated is usually a good indicator of the quality. But neither should the illustration be sloppy, a la the Clifford books, which also happen to contain some truly insufferable story lines.

Children's books need not be dumbed down. Yes, they're for children and need to be simple, but simple doesn't mean dumb.  Many children's books out there are ridiculous, even for kids. It is easy to find well-illustrated books with good story lines that you'll enjoy reading too, which is important, especially at an early age.

Mother Goose, for example, is great for infants, and has been for the previous 200 years or so. It's great because it's written in British English, and is lyrical; indeed, many of the rhymes in the book are also songs. The illustrations are also particularly good, that is, actual illustrations, and not dumbed-down cartoons. 

Be ambitious, picking up many on your own, but the more realistic thing to do is to ask for books instead of toys, and then prune down the collection as you see fit. Trust your own design sense, and think in terms of quality, not quantity.